Today is not a day which you mark on your calendar or you count days...exactly six months ago...also on Wednesday Faizan died, today is just a day to remember him and pray for his soul. Ofcourse I remember him every day, every day something reminds me of him but I couldn't miss today as an opportunity to write some memories I have been cherishing which I wanted to blog about few days ago. Six months one would say is a very short time but I felt like a very long time, a lot of things have been happening. Family is grieving and healing themselves at the same time struggling to live normal routine. His death has changed our lives (my family) in many ways. It will never be the same as it was when he was here, I would say life is just different now. His death has impact me in many ways also, and quite frankly I have been struggling and I keep thinking about him, life and death. With other family members and friends support, I am doing better so is my family. This tragic event changed the way I think of life, it changed the way I think about certain things, I am different person today than I was six months ago. Beside the impact on my personality and thinking, I met a wonderful person with a beautiful heart and I found solace in talking about Faizan with her.

Dealing with death of a loved one, whether a friend or member of your family, is one of the most overwhelming hardships of life. Everyone deals with death in different ways and dealing with this death is one the biggest challenge I face today. Time never comes back, I have to continue the journey I was on – build a career in software industry, go to graduate school, etc and at the same time deal with a huge loss in my life. I went through many of the typical stages of grieving. I was shocked at his sudden death, angry that he had been taken away from his family after only twenty years, and sad that I would never hear his laugh again. I've come to accept the fact that he's gone. I would not say that I'm over his death nor it is something I can get over it but I think of myself coping well with the tragedy. The advice I got was to give myself time to heal and to allow myself a good cry once a while. The pain associated with it cannot disappear.If I didn’t meet her dealing with this death might have been even more hard.

The other day at the park, I saw two young boys sitting on the grass, both of them hard haircut like me and Faizan did when we were young, Faizan used to have “mushroom” haircut and surprisingly the younger of those two brothers had the same hair cut. Even interesting was that they both began to fight which was common between me and Faizan. We did love each other but at same time, we used to compete against each other. I have lots of memories to share but there are few of them which I thought a lot about recently…

Actuary was Faizan’s big passion and that was his major back in college. We both brothers enjoyed math a lot and we used to challenge each other with mathematical problems. One day when I was going thru important papers, my grade sheet came in my hand and it had Statistic exam grade which reminded me a lot about him. One day we challenged each other to take the Statistic Cambridge University O’ Level exam together on a same day and time, it might sound stupid now but it was brotherly love. I have to admit I studied a lot hard then he did in fact the day before the exam he was hanging out with his friends and guess what, he beat me. I got a B 89% while he aced with 93% an A.

I recently played in table tennis tournament at Microsoft and it remind me of old days with him when we both brothers used to spend hours and hours competing against each other on the table. He was a better player than me, he had a lot of patience than me, he would wait till I do a mistake and he would win. We used to have we close games. We used to spend several hours playing table tennis at home and I remember one day my mother got the light bulb removed so that we both won’t play in night but we took lamps from our bedroom and continue the competition. We competed in sports such as swimming, badminton, squash, cricket, and also in studies.      

That’s how I live every day, I cherish the memories and work on making impact on other people lives in positive way. I had little luck in getting the website http://www.faizansewani.org working and I yet have to complete the foundation paper work.

"To sleep, perchance to dream, aye, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come."
                                                -- William Shakespeare   

In case if you didnt know, my picture has been on Purdue University homepage for quite a while now, honestly I don't like this picture but the for some reason the photographer "loves" it...

here is a screen shot...

Golden Taps ceremony is a time to reflect and honor the lives of students who have lost their lives which is held each semester. Yesterday, Monday 25th April 2005, the cermondy was held to honor 6 deceased students including Faizan. It was unfortunate that neither of our family members were able to attend it but I would like to thank all people who made effort to go. I look forward to hearing from them.

For more background information about Golden Taps - http://www.purdue.edu/ODOS/counsel/goldentaps.htm

And media coverage for the ceremony held yesterday -

Golden Taps ceremony to honor 6 Purdue students
http://news.uns.purdue.edu/html3month/2005/050421.Smithka.tapsapril.html

Golden Taps ceremony honors deceased students
http://www.purdueexponent.org/interface/bebop/printview.php?date=2005/04/26&section=features&storyid=index

One night I was very stressed out and around midnight I decided to go home from office as I wanted to get some rest. But as I began to drive home I began to think that I am so stressed out with my mind barely function i.e. I can make poor judgement and I am driving - is that right? It made me realized that stress can greatly impact my judgement call and hence I am greater risk on road. But hey, look at the driver manual -  http://www.nydmv.state.ny.us/dmanual/chapter08-manual.htm#drw-drv - it doesn't even have a single word that how driving can impact if you are under stress or tension.

The manual discuss fatigue but stress doesn't explain that. The meaning of fatigue is:

Something, such as tiring effort or activity, that causes weariness: the fatigue of a long hike.
Physiology. The decreased capacity or complete inability of an organism, an organ, or a part to function normally because of excessive stimulation or prolonged exertion.

Don't you think we need to have more description about what can impact driving? Hence the  DMVs need to do a better job of educating people...my two cents. 

Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged Florida woman at the heart of a bitter legal dispute between her husband - the legal guardian and her parents Bob and Mary Schindler, died on March 31, 2005 at approximately 9:05am after she lost nearly 14 day struggle against starvation and dehydration. Her feeding tube was removed upon court order and this story dominated the news headlines for a month and I followed it.

Today, I wanted to share my thoughts about. I was very close to a similar situation. When Faizan was in hospital with severe brain damage he could have end up in this situation but with mercy of god he died peacefully as his heart stopped.

In my opinion, if a person brain is damaged and if the person doesn't even know him/herself that he/she is breathing then what is the point of living? The hardest challenge is to tell if the brain is even functioning or responding that the person knows that he/she is alive. Teri's husband and parents fought a legal battle for more than a decade. I feel sad and sorry...

I feel that if the brain doesn't respond then the feeding tube and life support should be removed but the question is how to tell if the brain is responding? I feel that it is very tough for doctors to tell precisely if the brain is responding or not.

In Faizan case, the neurologist said that we will monitor his brain recovery; if the brain is getting worst and worst then we will remove him from life support. As I mentioned in earlier blog that we hoped and prayed that we don't want to make this decision because I think then I would have felt guilt all my life that why did I remove him from life support what if I would have given him more chance to live and he would have shown improvement. What do doctors know, they can't predict miracle. Hence, this explains the battle.

People hope that brain-damaged people will recover but the numbers show that they don't but then they say why not he/she can be the other number. Sometimes I feel it’s like killing someone.

May Terri soul rest in eternal peace. I also thank god that me and my family didn't had to make such decision for my brother.

I was overwhelmed with the number of people who read the tragic event blog and then emailed or spoke to me privately with their comments. Number of people said that they were amazed how I wrote this blog as they cried when they read the blog. I knew it was an emotional blog but I wanted to share with some family members and close friends who couldn’t make it to hospital. Some even had questions like what really happened to my mother in state of shock, why I am not a fan of celebrating my birthday and so on. I will try to answer these questions over time. I would like to thank those people who read the blog and exchanged words with me and special thanks to those who took the courage to write the comments, I appreciate that. I hope that in next few days more and more people will write and comments and we will all begin to share our memories.
One thing I would like to talk about this time is – “what happened to my mother when she was in state of shock after his heart stopped?”
As it might seem obvious that it is very hard for a mother to see her son dying and it get a lot harder when a young child dies. A mother is the one who carries the child in her womb for nine months and then breast feed her and slowly slowly she grows the child - feed, educate etc. My mother is one of those mothers, she spend her life after him and of course it will hit her hard and it is the worst thing she can expect in her life.
There is a Chinese proverb that there are three biggest tragedies of a human life - a) a young child losing mother and/or father at a very young age b) parents and siblings losing their child/ brother or sister when they are growing up and lastly c) losing a spouse
When Faizan's heart stopped, it got my mother in state of shock because that was the time she really felt that her son has now left the earth for eternal peace and it was unbelievable. Hence, this really shook me because I didn't wanted to have double tragedies. She wouldn't blink her eyes, nor she would move, nor was she able to speak. She was just stunned and lost somewhere. I shook her, threw water on her face and asked her "what is your name?” The biggest danger during such state of shock or so called trauma is slipping into coma or suffering some physiological damage such as memory loss. She slowly responded her name but it was like a whisper as she was not able to speak at her normal tone. I kept questioning her and slowly slowly made her realize what has happened. It really scared me and I thank god that now she is much better. Later that evening she was given some medication which helped to relax her anxiety.
I didn't mentioned this earlier because talking about such bit and pieces will make it harder for people to read but feel free to ask me questions.

It’s been almost three months since I wrote my last blog. When I wrote my last blog (Dec 02) I was very happy how things were going on. Infact, I was very excited about spending Christmas with my family so I was trying to take care of stuff at work and at home also. Time quietly flew by and came December 18, I packed my bags in the morning and as it got dark I was getting ready for a party but I got a call from my mother. Honestly, I have never answered a call with someone crying that hard, I could barely understand what she was saying so my father took the phone from her and explained me what happened. The next moment all I knew was, my body was shaking and I couldn't control myself. My younger brother, Faizan Sewani, was involved in the car crash on I-65 in Indiana. He was studying at Purdue University in West Lafayette and was heading to Indianapolis to drop off his friend to airport. The only information I had at that time was that he is in a very critical condition and is currently in Operation Theater. They were doing his brain surgery. Life took an unexpected turn...

I quickly put my mom and dad on the plane and flew them to Indianapolis. Meanwhile I tried to alert other family members and was in touch with hospital and police. The hospital wouldn't give me much information and it worried me a lot. One of my brother friends then drove down to Indianapolis and gave me a terrible news which I least expected - two of his friends who were involved in car crash has died on spot. Then I found out that they flew my brother from the accident spot on chopper to the hospital and there was also another survivor at that time. I had no idea how I could tell my mother this news, she was in the air at that time and I knew she will eventually find this out. As my parents landed in Indianapolis I briefed them about what I have found out so far...she dropped the phone. The next moment... I was on my way to the airport...

By now, it was 10 pm in Seattle and there was a flight departing at midnight with hope of getting to Indianapolis early morning at 6 am. As I purchased my ticket and sat in the lounge, they announce that the weather is bad, heavy fog, and the flight has been delayed till 6 am. I was so pissed, but I was helpless. All I could do is hope and pray that things will be fine. While waiting for my flight to depart I was on phone with my mother. She was at the hospital and gave me some information about what is going on. Media had the coverage on the accident on the national news. My brother car, Lexus 97, lost control. According media, he was driving on I-65 near 71st street exit and a truck apparently cut ahead of him too close that he tried to prevent his car to hit the truck. He tried moving his car to the next lane as he was driving in the left lane but his car lost control and went all the way to the shoulder then the ditch, where it flipped and the roof the car hit a very big tree. The impact of the car roof with the tree caused severe brain injuries on the car passengers. 

Two words were in my head all the time as I waited for my plane to depart - "brain injury". We hear all the time from different people about how bad brain injury is and its impact on lives. It was hard for my to believe what has happened. My brother was a very safe driver and I admit he was a better driver than I am. As I waited for my plane, my aunt and uncle (mom's siblings) informed me that they are arriving at Indianapolis too so we should try to meet at the airport and then go to hospital. Finally, at 4:25 am the plane took off and I just prayed for a miracle. Hundered of things were rambling thru my head... I was just a helpless fellow... who was lost in middle of no where...

I arrived Indianapolis around 1 pm and met my aunt and uncle at the airport as they arrived approx 30 mins before I did. As we drove to hospital, I was not sure I will be able to see my brother on a sick bed, how I will comfort my parents, will I ever speak to my brother again.... then I remembered that I spoke to him at 4:48 pm Indiana time on his cell phone, we were flying the next day Dec 19th to Texas and agreed to meet at the airport at 3 pm. Later I found out that he had accident around 4:50 pm, so it means I spoke to him the very few minutes before his accident... hence it made me guilty... did I distract him?

I tried to be a strong man that day...I was like if I will cry, who will support my parents? Once I got there I saw my mom and dad sitting in the waiting room and crying. We asked them to take us to Faizan, as I walked down to his room, I was not sure if I will be able to see him. Once I got there, it was totally unbelievable. My dad stood at the door, he didn't had the courage to go in the room and touch my brother. I just tried to hold my tears and control myself - had no clue what to say. I just stood there and looked at him. He was on life support and his head was stapled. I thanked God at that time that he is alive. I just can't explained how I felt when I saw him... a twenty years old boy... with so sick brain. 

Then I waited for the doctor to come and know what is going on. When he came, he explained what they did in brain surgery and he showed the brain CT scan. Because of the impact on the brain, when they got him to the hospital via life line, his brain pressure was very high so they took the right flap of the brain out to alleviate the pressure. He then explained that its hard to say now what will happen as the next 24 hours will be very critical... it was Sunday the Dec 19th.

Our (me & my parents) cell phone rang all day as people learned about this news and so the day passed. Overall, he didn't show any sign of improvement nor any sign that it’s getting worst so we felt that there is some hope. My parents insisted that I should get some sleep as I haven't slept for past two nights so I decided to take a short nap.

Before I left for a nap, I made a short trip to his ICU room. I stood there, held his hand and he raised his hand. It bought smile on my face, I felt his brain is responding. But when my mother questioned me how he raised his hand, we were not sure if his brain responded or it was a sign for seizure.

After the nap, I became a bit sane and started thinking rationally. I then began to question doctors about what the options are and what can possibly happen. They explained me the machines and what is going on, what kind of medicine he is being given. After the discussion - I went to explained my parents about the three options - one being that his heart stop but then my dad questioned how can heart stop when he is on life support. Then I explained that life support machine is assisting him in breathing but the heart can stop for various reasons such as low blood pressure, lack of oxygen in the brain, etc. Second option was some miracle to happen which will cure him and make him "almost" close to what he was. Lastly, he can become a vegetable. I had to be honest with them, especially with my mother and her siblings being doctors - they understand medical complexities better than I can.

It was very tough job for me to explain my parents about these options although they had a fair idea about what the options were. The biggest challenge there was to prepare them for the worst so they can make decision well and not cloud their decision with emotions. Doctors mentioned that if he doesn't show any sign of improvement then the family will have to consider removing him from the life support which I guess was the fourth option. Family members and the doctors agreed to meet Thursday evening as a checkpoint to see his progress and that is when we will have to decide to let him breathe or let him go...

Around 9 am...he had a seizure i.e. he had sudden convulsion on his brain. This was a bad sign and it made people pessimistic. It was Monday the 20th of December. The nurse and doctor s tried to bring the situation under control. After the situation was under control they said - "Don't lose hope, he can still recover". With those words, everybody began to pray and kept their hope high. I held my breath and hoped that he will not have another seizure soon but around 3 pm he had another seizure which made his brain pressure pretty bad.

Then our family members questioned the neurologist his opinion. He didn't had much hope - "After the seizure which has happened today, his brain is very very very sick". Repeating "very" three times made us realize that things are not getting better but we still held our hope high and I kept telling my parents...there is always a chance for miracle... you never know... and that’s all I was hoping and praying for at that time.

Couple of local Pakistani community couples showed up on Sunday and so on... to give us the moral support. They also bought us food and what ever we asked them. Honestly, I was ashamed of myself when I saw them. Strangers just walked in and gave us support. They saw the news and came to the hospital. Without them, it would have been really tough. I am very grateful to them and owe them a huge debt.

After being forced to eat, as it was hard to sallow the food I continued my trip to his room. I would monitor the machine as I had a good understanding about what numbers represent and would question the nurse regarding the medicine. I admire the nurses in that hospital. The humanity they have... honestly I can not do the job they do. I also owe them a huge debt.

Later in evening around 9 pm, he had another seizure but this one was not that bad compared the ones he had earlier but it meant that his brain is very sick. It got hard on us. It seemed at that point that my family was losing hope. I just sat there...made trip to his room... and would just stare at things. When I stood next to him, I would try talking to him... once I said "Faizan, common get up. New Years is coming and you told me we will party as you always get mad at me that I have become a geek." I said a lot of random stuff; I felt he was still listening to me. 

As I mentioned earlier, one of the options were that his heart can stop on his own. I then asked the doctors, what will happen if his heart will stop - will you try to revive him back, he replied yes. But then his cautiously continued that as a family, we have the right to deny them to revive him back after his heart stop. I became curious about his heart stopping because he was showing one of the symptoms - difficulty in breathing. I then began a discussion with family members about this. Personally, to me it didn't make sense to revive him back because his brain was barely functional. His entire body was working on the machine except for the heart. My parents felt the same...but we decided to wait.

The family member’s worse fear at that time was shutting the ventilator machine off i.e. pulling the plug of life support. And we prayed that don't make us make such decision....

The next day was Tuesday Dec 21st... It was my birthday. My mother had mixed emotions. I honestly didn't care about my birthday as I was never a big fan of celebrating my birthday (maybe sometime I will blog on why I am not a big fan...). I prayed to God, that my wish and prayers on my birthday is to get my brother well...and nothing more I could ask for... I didn't even realized that it was midnight... they wished me happy birthday so I took advantage of it and cheered them up. I forced my parents to sleep for awhile and promised them that if anything happens overnight, I will wake them up. They were so exhausted that they fell asleep for a while...I sat next to my brother with one of his good friend (She arrived on Monday evening...and stayed in hospital day and night like us..)

All night I kept staring at the machine...my brother and kept praying. It was very quiet... the day was very tough... one moment my mother would break down... the next moment someone else would break down... and I would be there to make them feeling better. Not a single tear could come from my eyes... just looking at my parents crying on Sunday made me put a stone on my heart and give them the best support I can as we go thru this difficult time...

6 am on Tuesday...when everybody got up... we sat in waiting room and began to talk... my mother was praying that don't let my son die on my older son birthday... I had no idea what to say to her... I said... "mom, I don't really care about my birthday. The best birthday gift I can ever get in my life is my brother in good condition" She smiled and I wiped tears off from her face. The next moment, I don't know what happened to me... I was just sitting there and was thinking...slowly I fell asleep...I then opened my eyes after few minutes and mother was like “son, I know you want to break down but for us you wouldn't...don't make it too hard on yourself, you can break down". I nodded and said I am fine and walked down to his room again. The doctors were doing routine check in the morning. Once they completed, I asked them for an update. His lung pneumonia was getting worse; hence he was having greater difficulty in breathing. The doctors were trying hard in different ways to make sure his brain is getting enough oxygen but his condition was getting worst.

Around noon on Dec 21st, the doctors informed the family that he has very few hours to survive as "his brain is very very very very very very sick". I counted, he said "very" six times. "He is a very sick boy" were the words of the nurse. My mother continued with her prayer and hope that my brother will not die on this day. The reason behind was, my maternal grandmother died on my mother and father's wedding anniversary and it hit us hard. She didn't wanted another coincidence like that...

As we knew...he will not survive long... I continued to stand next to him...cell rang as people were getting the news... tried to comfort my parents...it was the toughest thing on the planet... We then signed the papers to not revive him back if his heart stops...

Later in night...the doctor suggested...we can try giving him some blood...as blood has oxygen... it might change his fate... we gave them green light... as it could be fatal. When nurse gave him blood, his condition got stable but still not good. It was not deteriorating as it was earlier. By that time it was almost 2:30 am... my parents and other family member who flew in from different part of the country...just sat and prayed. Some were lost in their thoughts, some where still in state of shock...

I was next to him all night and sitting in his room with his good friend (who arrived on Monday). She cared so much about him that she was there in hospital next to him every single minute...she wouldn't eat, sleep or shower... Friendship was a very crucial part of my brother’s life.

Around 6 am on Wednesday 22nd Dec his condition started to deteriorate. His blood pressure was dropping, he had a very high fever and his heart beat was decreasing but I didn't alert my family at that time, I felt it was too early. By mother came to his room shortly and she knew that now the time is near. Around 8:30 am I alerted other family members that he is almost about to go.

Every single family members got in the room along with some local community people and they began to pray loud. I just couldn't pray loud or say anything....I just stared at the machine... the numbers... the blood pressure and the heart beat... it was falling... slowly slowly..82..73..65...53... and then at 10:13 am his heart stopped... my mother exclaimed "his heart has stopped!" and people broke down...next few minutes my mother was in state of shock...then began the period of mourning...

We took his body to Texas and the next biggest challenge to explain my sister was there. She was kept in dark all along; she was excited to hear that we are coming back as she felt my brother is recovering. I think it was a very hard task for my mother. My sister cried and threw up... she is young... haven't experience much life...she didn't know how to react.

He was buried on Sunday, December 26 2004. May God rest his soul in peace.

I stayed with my family for some time to mourn his death. I still couldn't cry a single tear. I was supporting every single member of my family. There was a lot of weight on my heart. I complained of chest pain on Sunday evening, my mother forced me to cry but I still couldn't. I realize it was not my way to mourn it. I instead cherish his memory, in respect to his soul... his spirit. We then felt that it was time for us to heal ourselves hence we decided to try to resume our normal routine. I returned back to Seattle on 4th Jan 2005 and came to work from airport.

It was very hard to focus on work for first few weeks but later I got better. Today, I feel better but I still think about it...never a day pass without thinking about it. Instead of mourning, I try to cherish his memories... I miss him a lot... I can't put in words my feelings.

My parents are doing better now too. Time is a good healer. I will visit them shortly to find out how they have been doing as it is hard to tell over phone if they are doing better now.

I also promised myself, two projects in memories of my brother. A memorial website, faizansewani.org and an education drive to educate people about defensive driving. Stay tuned for more details.

It will be nice if you can comment on this blog. Share some memory if you have or maybe how you felt. It will be nice for family members to hear from other people.

Disclaimer - This is very emotional writing of the tragic event. Although, I remember every single minutes of it but I tried to present in simplest way. Hence, I might have missed out some important details. Thus, other people account shall be different from mine. I claim NO responsibility and liability for any damage caused by this blog such as emotional distress, depression,etc.  The posts on this weblog are provided "AS IS" with no warranties, and confer no rights. Please, do not by any means try to copy or publish it without my permission. 

I have been debating for a while if I should start blogging which means taking out an hour atleast once a week from busy schedule of a tech geek life...to blog. So, with the launch of super cool MSN Spaces beta today I decided its the time today to do it! I think of many interesting things during the day which I like to share with people so I believe my blog will be one way to share it.

I spent alot of my time today to prepare PowerPoint presentations...so during my lunch break I was like it takes so much time to create a fancy presentation with all funny shapes, template and text formatting. Why not just walk into the presentation room and talk about it from note cards. I became curious about how much money is "wasted" by the companies to create PowerPoint presentations. I found some interesting articles"

Does PowerPoint Make Us Stupid? CNN article, Rock star David Byrne turns PowerPoint into art.
PowerPoint Is Evil. (Power Corrupts. PowerPoint Corrupts Absolutely.) By Edward Tufte, Wired Magazine, Issue 11.09, September 2003.
Humorous Cover of "The Cognitive Style of PowerPoint" by Edward Tufte.
PowerPoint Makes You Dumb By Clive Thompson, The New York Times Magazine, December 2003. 
Absolute PowerPoint (Can a software package edit our thoughts) By Ian Parker, The New Yorker Magazine, 28 May 2001.
The Level of Discourse Continues to Slide By John Schwartz, The New York Times, September 2003.
Can This Off-Site Be Saved? Fast Company Magazine, Oct 2001.

Oh well, you will find many articles on the web about how evil the PowerPoint, isn't it true that the company who sells PowerPoint is knows as Evil Empire?

P.S. It's my first blog, might be boring but I am sure tomorrow I will be back with something more interesting... my brain at this moment is fired up!